How can I say what I need to?

May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed
and may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
make the sound of thousands of angels instead
tonight where you might be laying your head

I wish you well
on your way to the wishing well
swinging off of those gates of hell
I can tell how hard you're trying
I still have this secret hope
Sometimes all I do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
there's an endless rope
and nobody's crying
nobody's crying
nobody's crying
--PG

...

I've done it again. And again. And again. And I'm so sorry.

This isn't coming easy. This is the farthest from easy that I've ever seen. And I have my moments. Moments when my heart's murmuring is so deep that I can't ignore it and I desperately want to work with all my soul to do this right, to be there for you in the way you've always needed, to be there for the both of you now and forever. I don't know exactly how to do it, but I know that I can make it work because I believe in it.

And there are times when my mind is simply screaming RUN RUN RUN RUN: run because you're afraid, run because you're angry, run because you're weak, run becuase you're stupid, run becuase you're hurting, run because you're not good enough, run because you can't see a way out, run because you can't trust yourself, run because you can't say what you need to, run because you say too much, run because of what you've done, run because of what you're afraid to do, run because of what you might do, run because of what you can't be, run because you can't hang on any longer, run until there's nothing left.

But I'm trying. That's all I know how to do. I'm learning, but too slowly. But I'm trying.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm trying.

i'm sorry.

...

Black tires on blacktop
with the windows rolled down
It's cold and it's grey here
on the far side of town

I left this morning
with no plan in sight
But I just can't stand one more single
screaming match night