snarl

I'm amazed by this combination of loneliness and near-complete lack of desire to communicate. Or disgusted, maybe.

Never been here, never coming back
Never want to think about the things
that happened today
Want to lay down
on the warm ground
Think I'm going to need
a little time to myself

Don't fall down now
you will never get up
Don't fall down now
-- AA in different days

no words

It's difficult to talk about all the things that have gone wrong when the sun is shining and there are new leaves on the dogwood.

tired. so tired.

fragile

I count today as a hard-earned victory.

Mom and I cleaned the house and rearranged the bird cages before P came home from the airport at noon.

I wandered downtown for hours by myself. I told myself that I was looking for shoes, but really I wasn't strong enough to be around anyone who knew me. I stopped at REI and ended up saying for close to an hour watching the staff teach kids rock-climbing. I thought I caught a glimpse of a future in a young black-haired man quietly encouraging a girl with a red shirt and wavy hair.

G called this afternoon, a voice I never thought I'd hear again, with unlooked-for love and support. I don't deserve it, but I'm so thankful.

And R called to invite me to dinner this week.

I cut myself out of my own circle over the last month. But now I'm starting to re-establish the connections I let fail. I'm sorry for disappearing on you all. I hope you'll understand that I didn't mean to hurt you. I want to see you all again. It's just going to take some time.

I miss you.

one more day

I fed the birds and took a shower.
I made breakfast for the first time in two months.
I bought some vitamins that I'll be taking now, and a juice.
I stumbled across a new bike shop.
Mom and I went to the Saturday market and ate a sambusa and bajilas.
We wandered up and down Hawthorne, and lost ourselves in Powells and the market for a few hours.
I talked with A in Laramie for a few minutes.
I called my boss to tell her about my appointment on Monday.
I sent an email to G.
I broke my knife-sharpening kit and threw it across the kitchen.
I drove around trying to find a new sharpening kit.
I called A back to wish her a happy birthday and apologize for dumping more things on her than she'd needed to know.
I tried to find some socks and shoes.
I made it to 8:30.
I got a pizza for mom and I, and we watched a Globe Trekker episode on Mongolia; it looks just like Laramie.

I checked my voicemail a million times. I tried calling a million times.
I cried all day long.

I'm still here.

i'm still here.

ashamed

How can words ever hope to communicate what lies inside the heart?

I've been wrong, and I've been cruel, and I've been careless with what was trusted to me.

Again.

and again, and again, and again.



Part of me wishes that I'd died: that I'd cut, that I'd jumped, that I'd swerved, that I'd swallowed. I tried to.

But there's something buried deep down inside of me that's holding on for that moment when all this is just a memory and I'm finally able to be the person everyone else knew I could be, the person I could never quite believe in.

hold on.

I'm trying to find the help that I need. I've talked to people, people who know what they're doing, people who are going to help me. I've got lots more talking to do still.

i'm living one hour at a time.
i'm living for someone i don't know yet.
i'm holding on.
i'm holding on.
i'm still alive.

...

I started a letter to myself on January 12th. I never finished it, and I wish that I had. I wish that I'd listened to it. I wish that I'd wallpapered the whole goddamn house with it. Maybe I still will.

Calm down. Yes, it's important, but don't make a mess of things by panicking. You've done that too much already.

Slow down and give yourself some space. Give those around you some space. Breathe.

You've got to learn to understand yourself. You've got to learn to listen to yourself. You've got to learn to recognize what it is you're thinking and feeling so you can respond appropriately.

You've got to take care of yourself so you can be a positive influence on those around you. Take care of your body. Stimulate your mind. Make good use of your time. Make your money work for you. Enjoy the places you call home. Find peace within your own skin.

Situations might make you worry and panic and feel hopeless, and that's okay. But when the people you love need you, you've got to put your fears aside for the moment; you've got to be a rock of support. There will be time later for them to support you.

Keep motivated. Take advantages of opportunities which present themselves. Minimize and move past setbacks -- they're temporary.

And this, too. And this. And this. And this. And this. How can I keep from forgetting the things I've already learned?