List

• send deferrment paperwork to sudent loan company
  
• clean bird cages
• water and fertilize orchids
• move them to a better place than the bathroom
• laundry
• shopping
• socks
• underwear
• shoes
• hair gel
• belt?
• shirt?
• work out
• stretch back & shoulders

...

9:45 pm:
Why should it be so difficult to find quality casual-yet-dressable shoes made of non-animal materials in Portland, of all places? I did manage to find hair gel and socks though. And some sexy pants that I can't afford.

No letter yet.
No fax.
The birds hate me.
The orchids do too.
The laundry's going now.
No underwear.
No belt.
No shirt.
At least I'm not getting fat.

And I'll stretch tonight before bed.

Concise

Fighting that which we cannot change detracts from the potential of what we can.
--J

...though sometimes it's hard to know just how we should change what we can.

Like fingernails on a...

Yesterday it was a good job. Today I think I'm going to kill my boss if I ever have to hear her trill "Oh! My! GOD!" again.

Or if I have to hear her yell at someone on the phone about her "real black leather skull-and-crossbones New Jersey mean motorcycle mama from hell jacket" ever again.

Or if I have to hear her yakking about how hard it was growing up in Fairbanks (which somehow makes Bethel "her old stomping grounds" -- don't ask me how that works) ever again.

Or if I have to hear her gushing about the new Macs that she "simply has to have!" ever again.

Or if I ever hear her squeal the phrase "like a New York runway model!" ever again.

Or if I ever have to listen to her order Pod Thai "with shredded cabbage, bean sprouts, and vegetables instead of noodles, you know, in place of the noodles" ever again.

Or if I ever have to listen to her schmooze some minor local official's secretary ever again.

Or if I ever hear her drop Ciao! ever again.

Redirecting

I'm tired again.

Mostly I figure it's because I've been getting up 3 hours earlier than normal for this new job downtown. I'm sure it's also got a lot to do with staring at various computer screens all day long. (And what do I do when I get home again? Stare at computer screens some more. sigh.)

It's a good job. I'm working with a local educational nonprofit who're doing a bunch of research into what Oregonians think about the public school system, and what kind of ideas they have for making it better. It's a good idea, despite the amazing lack of focus.

I'm working 40+ hours per week at a (very) modest salary, but I'm making myself invaluable in a very small office that's doing a lot of very big things. If I play the right cards at the right moments, I might just stand a chance of signing on with them for real. They're grant-funded, so who knows how long it would last if I got hired, but it would at least be some experience, which is what I really need to finally break into the Portland nonprofit world at a professional level.

I made a bunch of split pea soup tonight. With yellow peas -- it looks a little odd. There was so much soup that I had to split it between the two biggest pots so it wouldn't boil all over the stovetop. I guess I know what I'm eating for the next few days weeks.

I'm having sushi dinner with R and E tomorrow night, which will be fun, except I have to find some pickled ginger to take over. I saw some at Albertsons tonight, but it was laced with FD&C 40, which I didn't take to be a good sign. Maybe New Seasons will save me.

Contrary to usual sensibilities, I really want a cup of craptastic instant mocha stuff. I just don't want to be up half the night.

...and sometimes, when there's a lot on my mind, I type about things that make no difference just to avoid addressing the real issues.

So I always wonder. Is it the decisions you make when you are up that are the ones you should stick with, or the ones you make when you are down?
--M

Question

What would you say if you could go back a year and speak to yourself?

...

Don't work so much or so hard for an employer who doesn't offer you anything but money. There's plenty of money in the world, but you only have so much time and energy.

Take Margaret's suggestion to volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters.

Shop more at New Sagaya and less at Carrs. They're local, they're great, and they're better for your body and soul. And you drive by it twice a day anyway, so why not?

Having interests is great, but stop using orchids and guitars as a way to escape from your life.

Quit worrying about what other people will think of your songs. Write more of them. Perform them when you get a chance.

Smile more.

Get out of the house. Don't be afraid to try new things. Ask Gretchen what she'd like to do on the weekend, make plans, and follow through with them. Driving up and down Northern Lights at 10:30 doesn't count as a fun evening.

Don't be afraid of what people think of you. Don't be afraid to show them who you are and who you might like to become. Your bitterness and seclusion aren't winning you any supporters. You've always wanted to be able to wear your heart on your sleeve; you are able to. Just do it.

You don't have the tools or time to help Liz fix her truck. Ask Tim for the name of a good shop and refer her to it.

Don't tear up your own vehicle because you're frustrated. You can afford to pay someone to fix it to make sure it's done right and to make sure you don't go crazy.

When you get upset, back off. You're anger isn't so important that you have to take it out on everyone around you. Your anger, in and of itself, isn't important at all.

Stop racking up debt on your credit cards. Get your money under control so you're not a slave to it.

Ask Gretchen and Billijo and Moriah and Grace if they'd all like to go out together sometime. It would be nice for everyone to meet each other over dinner and drinks at Orso or Humpy's or Moose's Tooth or Red Robin.

A guy named Scott is about to come into your life. He's your replacement, but there's nothing to be afraid of in that; everyone but you knows you're leaving soon. He's a great guy, so get to know him.

Don't get tangled up in Gina's games.

Don't be angry with Gretchen's family because you don't understand each other. They're people, just like you. Get to know them. Enjoy the time you can spend together. Respect that their lives are different than yours.

Thank Gretchen's family for helping you so much. And again. And again. And again.

Gretchen isn't the reason you're unhappy. She's trying to help you, if you'd just let her. Hug her more often. Stop using sex as a distraction when you're insecure; let it be wonderful and spontaneous and joyful and fun.

Don't put your faith in one form of birth control. Talk with Gretchen about parenthood.

Tell Gretchen the things you're afraid to say. Admit how much you love her and how lost you'd feel without her friendship, company, and love. Tell her how much you want to marry her, even though you're afraid of the idea. Let her know now, because there might not be a chance tomorrow.

If your heart is hurting, tell her, but don't control her with that. Don't control her at all. Be there to support her as she lives her life.

Enjoy your simple quiet moments together. Make dinner for her once in a while, you slouch!

Think about the sorts of experiences you'd like to have in your life, and talk with Gretchen about them. Ask her what she'd like to do. Work together to make your goals reality.

Think some more about moving to New Mexico together and buying an orchard. There's nothing to stop you.

Forgive yourself for having fucked things up in the past. Give yourself permission to fuck up in the future, but don't come to expect that of yourself.

Be strong. Be honest. Be open. Be proud.

Morning

At this point in my life
I’ve done so many things wrong, I don’t know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me I hope I won’t let you down
If you give me a chance I’ll try

You see it’s been a hard road, the road I’m traveling on
If I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin
I’ve had a hard life I’m just saying so you’ll understand
that right now, right now, I’m doing the best I can

At this point in my life

At this point in my life
although I’ve mostly walked in the shadows
I’m still searching for the light
Won’t you put your faith in me
we both know that’s what matters
If you give me a chance I’ll try

You see I’ve been climbing stairs, but mostly stumbling down
I’ve been reaching high, but always losing ground
You see I’ve conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb
And right now, right now, I’m doing the best I can

At this point in my life

Before we take a step
before we walk down that path
before I make any promises
before you have regrets
before we talk commitment
let me tell you of my past
all I’ve seen and all I’ve done
the things I’d like to forget

At this point in my life

At this point in my life
I’d like to live as if only love mattered
as if redemption was in sight
as if the search to live honestly
is all that anyone needs
no matter if you find it

You see when I’ve touched the sky
the earth’s gravity has pulled me down
But now I’ve reconciled that in this world
birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine
if you can give it a try
then I’ll reach inside and find and give you
all the sweetness that I have

At this point in my life
at this point in my life
--TC

We need to make new symbols
make new signs
make a new language
with these we’ll define the world
and start all over
--TC

No dice

No shirts. No underwear. No socks. Why can I never find anything I even remotely like that's not prohibitively expensive? All I want is clean, simple garments in neutral shades that can be worn in a variety of settings from casual to night-on-the-town (not that I've been in the habit of having any of those). Even my newfound source of inspiration, Express, is going out of business.

And now I'm just hungry and tired again.

Amplitude

Please don't worry. Sometimes I get stuck and I need to scream to get moving again, even if I don't realize it at the time. Sometimes it's just so goddamn overwhelming being away from the people I love with no job and no life and no home and so much hard work ahead before things ever start looking up again. So goddamn hard.

I think I'm going to go get lunch and buy a shirt and maybe some underwear now. And socks. Maybe socks.

I'll be back later.

I love you. All of you. Don't forget.

He war

I went to bed last night at 8 just because I couldn't deal with the world anymore. I don't really want to deal with this particular reality anymore.

I'd like to be indignant and say that I've got better things to do than wait around all afternoon for a phone call that I don't want to pick up, but I don't.

I don't want to do this, any of this.

And the only person I want to talk to about this, I can't.

Every song brings me back to her. Every song brings me back to what we were, what we were going to be. I need some memories of a good future. I need to remember the road trips we took together two years from now, the kayak tours of Puget Sound next summer. Or the apartment I had by myself, the work I loved, the meaningful life I lived a few years down the road. Something, just give me something.

I heard a program on the radio yesterday that considered the influence spirituality has in making people feel like their lives have meaning, and one of the guests said something like, "You can be a spiritual person and be in the wrong place -- that is, feeling like your life has no meaning -- just as you can be a non-spiritual person in the right place and have your life filled with importance and meaningful actions."

I just don't see that my life has any particular significance. I mean, if I disappeared off the face of the earth this morning, what would happen? Not much. All the things that bother me would work themselves out. A few friends and family would mourn and get on with their lives. But otherwise, nothing. My work isn't particularly meaningful or valuable, my personal life is less than satisfying -- and really, marked by more unhappiness and frustration than joy -- and I don't even have any goals I'm working toward.

I feel like I've wasted all this time.

I'd hoped to be a few months into a fresh start by now, but that's not happening anytime soon. I'm not sure if I can get a fresh start anymore. There's a part of me that wants to say, "Fine, if you want to have a baby then go have a baby, but if it's going to happen against my will, then don't dare ask anything of me." That part is there, but I don't want to listen to it.

Part of me still thinks that there might be an opportunity for a new life tied up in having a child and getting back together with G. But in some respects that's also the antithesis of the life I wanted to live for the next few years. The last thing I wanted to do was get tied down by anything, and there's nothing that ties more than a child.

I don't fucking know.

...and this isn't what I wanted to say. I don't even know what I wanted to say, but it's not this. I'm supposed to be strong right now so I can support the people I love, but really, right now there's no strength left and I just don't want to care so damn much.

I fucking hate what this has all become. I fucking hate what my life has un-become.

...

I dreamed last night that I was loading an oil-covered tanker truck onto a ship for transport across a shallow grey sea. I had to drive the truck off the edge of the dock and onto small yellow floats that fit under each tire, and I was sure that at any moment the truck would slip and go to the bottom with me in it. After a moment, we turned the truck so it was parallel to the dock and started to secure it with ropes, but the next time I looked it had turned into a grey horse. Its halter was coming undone and my father was there, yelling to tie the ropes off shorter but we couldn't because they were twisted and knotted on themselves.

Take the guitar player for a ride
he ain't never been satisfied
he thinks he owes some kind of debt
be years before he gets over it
--W

Borderline

Don't mess with me tonight, world.

I'm tired, sore, and the things in my head won't give me any rest. I'm lonely, but I don't want any company, and I'm sad but I don't want to be cheered. Now is not a good time.

Orzo got out of his cage today while I was at work. Paul tried to catch him, but ended up just closing the door. When I came home he was flying around in the dark and calling out: panicked. He's okay, though.

And right now there are people downtown occupying the Chevron station. The police are moving in in full riot gear. Some people are estimating as many as 10,000 people in the streets tonight in downtown Portland.

And how many frightened police does it take to start a full-on riot?

Do not fuck with me tonight, world.

Screaming birds

grrr...

Figuring

So I've been totaling what I spent money on for the past 30 days:

• Groceries $153.78
• Fuel $103.52
• Gifts $81.99
• Cell phone bill $43.54
• Health care $29.33
• Misc. costs (mostly shipping for gifts) $18.18
• Dining out $11.18
• Bus fares $10.00
• Clothing $10.00

Note that this doesn't include cash expenditures, only those purchases which involved my bank in some fashion. So most of my dinner / drinks / movie rentals with friends aren't accounted for, which adds another $25-30 on top of all that.

There's nothing in the figures that's too shocking, with the exception of $100 worth of fuel. Ouch. However, I've done more than my usual share of late night just-me-and-all-these-thoughts-in-my-head driving over the last month, so that figure's more elevated than usual. I'd be happy if I could get that down to about $50 or thereabouts.

I don't live lavishly. Hell, between student loan and credit card payments, cell phone bills, and groceries, I can't afford to -- especially given my current income situation. I'm not particularly interested in living lavishly. I just want to be able to

• pay my regular bills
• make progress toward paying off my debt
• afford a decent apartment (with windows and lots of light!)
• eat high-quality food (notice I didn't say expensive food -- they're not the same)
• help provide for the child who'll soon be coming into the world
  
• start putting some money away in an emergency fund
• have a little cash left over for pleasant diversions

I really don't think that's too much to ask of a salary for an intelligent, resourceful, motivated young college graduate. Is it?

1. This week I'm going to schedule that appointment I've been putting off with the career counselor at the Oregon Employment Dep't and see about generating some ideas. There's got to be something out there that a person with my education, experience, and interests can do to get paid at a respectable level.
2. I'm also going to send an introductory letter to Burt Waugh Jr., who is the president of the real estate agency I've been temping at, and who runs a nonprofit program which provides assistance to homeless and transitional youth, in hopes of turning up either a full-time position, or part-time or volunteer work that will allow me to gain experience working in a nonprofit environment.
3. This week I'm going to study up on Word (with the help of Rachel's training manuals) so I can take the appropriate tests with temp agencies and hopefully open some more doors that way.
4. I'm also going to see if I can coerce Bonnie (hi!) into giving me a down-and-dirty Powerpoint primer. It never hurts to gain skills while I can; even if I don't use them right away, there will probably come a time when they'll prove useful.
5. This week I'm going to finish the budgeting process that I've been working on for a few weeks. To do that I'll have to finish analyzing my spending since August, estimate future expenses (including how to save on those expenses), and determine the income I'll need to meet that figure. Since I'm no good at such things when left to my own devices, I'll ask for Paul's help in setting some goals to meet and a timeframe.

It doesn't sound like a lot, but I'm trying to overcome years of drifting through life -- particularly as it relates to finances -- and hoping for the best. And while that's generally worked well enough to get by, I want to do more than that now, and that requires planning.

And now I'm going to drink some of this tea I've re-heated twice already. How's that for a goal?

Reconciliation

This ice storm is an interesting change of pace. A guy was stuck in the street behind my truck so I was going to pull forward a bit to give him some room, but I slid almost into the back of the neighbors' car and she came out screaming at me and the guy behind me. And now Paul's invited them over for drinks, as if there weren't enough hollering already.

...some days I wish I were somewhere else.

I was supposed to help Kronda move today, but the weather ruled that out. It's been postponed till tomorrow, but judging from all the freezing rain, I'm doubting that it'll happen on schedule. It's probably just as well that today didn't work out, after my late night with Mauri yesterday.

(I can hear someone burning up their tires on the ice down the street. Just stay home, dumbasses. I don't care why you think you need to be driving tonight. You don't.)

Things are progressing again between G and I. It's amazing how slowly everything creeps along when things are tough. One day it's fine, and the next we're struggling to communicate and agree upon even the most basic needs and desires.

I keep telling myself that this is difficult because it's real. And unexpected. And made infinitely more unbearable by a factor of 1521 linear miles. I tell myself these things, but the uncertainty and loneliness and hurt are still eating at me.

We've got a lot of important decisions in front of us, but we're making progress and getting past some of our differences. We're crafting some solutions that just might work if we're careful and respectful and open. There's no perfect plan at this point, but it's so much easier when we work together. I can't begin to say how thankful I am that we're on solid footing with each other.

Tomorrow's going to be a good day. I've got to pay a few bills, review my finances, finish my budget for the next few months, set some goals and timelines, do some reading, job-search for a while, and write a few cover letters. Oh, and laundry. Always laundry.

I'm looking forward to making this life thing work.

...

thank you for the hat and scarf. i miss you.

Impetus

...and sometimes, when you don't really feel motivated, along comes a reason to get the hell out of where you're living.

Swing

Where do pendulums come to rest?

The better question to ask is why I can't move past the pendulum metaphor...

The problem with feeling about things rather than thinking about them is that I find myself stewing over issues without really arriving anything concrete. In the past, when the people around me arrive at the table with carefully-considered action plans, expecting me to do the same, I've got nothing that I can articulate. It's not that I'm wishy-washy or that I'm unwilling to make decisions, but that I've tended to move in a different way.

Minds exist in a clear, angular world. They identify problems and come up with plans to overcome them. Hearts dwell in that foggy place between things and actions. Hearts can see problems, but the solutions they come up with aren't so much solutions as gradual, perhaps unconscious, and indirect changes.

... which is all a long-winded way of saying that I feel like I should be identifying problems and solutions this morning, but I don't have anything concrete I'm working on. I feel like I'm waiting for inspiration to strike.

But then I remember what King said about inspiration in On Writing: sure, inspiration will come around for you eventually, but it's up to you to make sure you're easy to find. That is, a muse needs some raw thought-stuff to work with, so you'd better just sit down and write something.

And I think he's right. (If nothing else, King's about the best example of a turnaround story that I can think of, and being of the introspective inclination, he might just have some understanding of what exactly allowed him to make that transformation.)

"There are things inside all of us that only come out when called upon, and the rest of the time we forget that they're there."
--B

Raw

My temp agent reports that there will be no job at the real estate place. Given the interviews for receptionists today, I'm not surprised. It's time to start really looking again. I should have never stopped.

The wind was biting coming across the Burnside tonight, and the clouds were grey and sharp.

...

There's a box downstairs full of wrapping paper I'm afraid to open. Too near...

Food for thought

Reading Paul's junk mail over breakfast produces this:

"Yet experts say it's critical to start saving when you are young. By starting in your 20s, you can harness the power of time and compound interest. Even if you have to scale back your contribution in your 30s when you have family expenses, that first decade of savings can make a huge difference when it comes to retirement." (emphasis added)

Investment and 401(k) planning aside, I think this is the first time junk mail has agreed with my sensibilities...

For better or worse, that's not how things worked out. So now what?

Worry

Late at night when the rest of the world is asleep and I feel alone, my mind runs wild over a landscape of doubt and worry...

Is this the multiverse's way of keeping G and I together? Why couldn't it have been a little more subtle?

What's to become of our plans for the future? Will either of us ever get our futures back?

What's to become of ourselves? Will either of us ever truly be able to exist just for ourselves ever again?

This was supposed to be the time when we would go out and explore the world and ourselves, not settle down and become parents. This was meant to be the end of us and the beginning of me, not the other way around.

I had no intention of becoming a parent yet, but does that mean I can't be a good one? Does that mean I can't want to?

How could I leave G behind to handle this on her own? She's my best friend and so much more.

Why do I feel like my options are narrowing and narrowing and narrowing?

I want to make this work, but what if I can't? What if I mess things up again? What if it's just not in me to become this? What if I find out that I can't care for this child?

I can barely take care of myself; how can I hope to help two people who'll be looking to me for so much? What if I find out that I don't want to?

Could I live with myself if I walked away from this? Could I live with myself if I didn't?

thank you.
sweet dreams...

Building

Life is back on some sort of level now. It's not yet where I'd like it to be, but it's stabilized for the moment. And now I'm afraid I've averted the explosive end only to open an opportunity for a slower, quieter end that's no less final, no less painful. I don't know yet.

But I've made my choices. The things I've done, whether for good or ill or indifferent, have landed me here. I don't regret having acted, but I do regret some of my actions.

I wrote a letter to myself yesterday, telling myself all the things I knew but wouldn't listen to. It's strange how the process of externalizing information has a way of making it more ... tangible, perhaps?

And now I'm just tired. Tomorrow morning will mark one month. On the morning of December 14th, 2004, everything changed. It's been an explosive month, but I think I'm finally getting myself under control.

God, I hope I am.

there is no time now for saving your grace
it's not a tragic mistake
it's just a change of pace

imported thoughts of a hopeless and kind
thank you for all you have blessed
but I must fall behind

today it's gonna be such a good day,
such a good day
today it's gonna be such a good day,
such a good day
to stay

today it's gonna be such a good day,
such a good day
today it's gonna be such a good day,
such a good day
to say goodbye
--K

Clarification

Don't get me wrong; I'm not giving up, and I'm not giving in. I'm not throwing my hands in the air and walking away.

I'm backing off because I have to. Because this is all too much right now. Because I recklessly ran over a boundary without concern for the results of my actions, and now I'm scared to move at all for fear of making it worse.

I'm not doing this because I want to be apart from you. I'm not trying to push you away. But I've hurt you. And as much as it's eating me up to be cut off from you, I did the cutting and until you say otherwise I've no right to be near you.

As much as I want to call you now, to apologize until I can't speak, to put everything I've got and everything I am into the plans we made, the next move is yours.

when will you do what you say you'll do
how could you really do it
why you keep on runnin
baby settle down
you're gonna lose your home
run on, run on
and you'll rule your den
crawlin black spider
got me crawlin when the grass was high
just keep crawling till the day i die
crawlin black spider
--CP

Plans for the past

I've made a mess of it all again. In a stupid fit of insecurity I asked what couldn't be given of someone who couldn't handle the question, who shouldn't have to handle the question. And now it looks like everything's gone, all because I was scared and weak.

What can I do now? How can I unsay the words I said? How can I show that I'm sorry, honestly sorry? How can I promise that I'll never ask again and be trusted? How can I show that my love is true, even if I was scared and weak?

How can I make right what I made wrong?

I'd say that it's all I want to do, except I'd be lying: I want to make this right and never need to fix a mistake like this again. Ever.

My heart and my mind have been at war. I've listened to my fears, and I've acted as a fool.
I desperately want my heart to win. It's going to win. I'm going to make it win.

How can I say what I need to?

May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed
and may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
make the sound of thousands of angels instead
tonight where you might be laying your head

I wish you well
on your way to the wishing well
swinging off of those gates of hell
I can tell how hard you're trying
I still have this secret hope
Sometimes all I do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
there's an endless rope
and nobody's crying
nobody's crying
nobody's crying
--PG

...

I've done it again. And again. And again. And I'm so sorry.

This isn't coming easy. This is the farthest from easy that I've ever seen. And I have my moments. Moments when my heart's murmuring is so deep that I can't ignore it and I desperately want to work with all my soul to do this right, to be there for you in the way you've always needed, to be there for the both of you now and forever. I don't know exactly how to do it, but I know that I can make it work because I believe in it.

And there are times when my mind is simply screaming RUN RUN RUN RUN: run because you're afraid, run because you're angry, run because you're weak, run becuase you're stupid, run becuase you're hurting, run because you're not good enough, run because you can't see a way out, run because you can't trust yourself, run because you can't say what you need to, run because you say too much, run because of what you've done, run because of what you're afraid to do, run because of what you might do, run because of what you can't be, run because you can't hang on any longer, run until there's nothing left.

But I'm trying. That's all I know how to do. I'm learning, but too slowly. But I'm trying.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm trying.

i'm sorry.

...

Black tires on blacktop
with the windows rolled down
It's cold and it's grey here
on the far side of town

I left this morning
with no plan in sight
But I just can't stand one more single
screaming match night

Sunday

So I've spent most of today learning Excel with much guidance from a superuseful stash of instructional manuals -- many, many thanks to Rachel. Now I really owe you dinner.

What a week it's been... Up, down, up again, really down, and now up again. Big thanks go out to all of you who've been lending support in the form of food, films, company, conversation, silence, walks, introductions, cell phone minutes, emails, posts, encouragement, and empathy.

...

Tonight might be marked by a trip next door for barbeque, which means I'm going to have to get my ass in gear and go to the store for a grillable veggie item in the next 45 minutes. hmm...

I was also going to look for some dressy-with-personality shoes today, but that plan failed to materialize. I really like the look of Born's shoes, but try finding something like that in a non-animal format. Otsu has a few offerings, but I'm kind of at a loss otherwise. Suggestions?

And while I'm gathering advice, does anyone out there have any experience with the Oregon Health Plan?

I've got a little more work lined up for this week with that real estate firm I've been temping at, and there's something in process which might just get me onto their regular payroll. I guess I impressed the right people, huh?

(Have I mentioned how much I love the fact that KRUA broadcasts online and that I can listen to them as I work on things? Cause I do. They've got such a great mix, and I'm always writing down lyrics whenever I listen to them.)

Okay, I'm off to the store now.

I'm trying to find a balance
I'm trying to build a balance
-- A

Fool, pt. 2

In relation to the post below, I suppose I should mention that I've got my B.A. in English with a minor in Women's Studies (University of Wyoming, Summer 2003), a background working with (and sitting on the boards of) various multicultural campus and community groups, and a strong interest in social service work. That being said, a boy's gotta pay the bills, so I'm open to employment options that don't necessarily fit that description.

And one more thing: Anyone out there interested in providing crash courses in Excel or Powerpoint? Right now I'm operating at a very basic level in Excel and no level in Powerpoint, but I figure those would be useful skills to pick up.

Strategize, fool!

Okay, it's clear now that I don't know how to find a job. Or rather, I don't know how to find a job that makes use of my education and offers professional-level compensation in the form of a respectable salary and insurance.

This is the first time I've ever had to do this; all my other jobs have been found through friends and happenstance. I know how to find pointless survival jobs, but I need something better than that now. I need a new strategy, because I need a different result. And I don't know how to do this.

So I need some help.

There are people out there with contacts, ideas, and experience that I need to make use of. There are people out there whose job is helping others find work that fits. But who are they? How do I find them? How can they help me? A few ideas:

1. State / Federal employment departments
2. Temp agencies (temp-to-hire plans)
   
3. Headhunters
   

What else? Where can I look? Who -- specifically -- should I be talking to?

Trough

And here I am again. shit.

...

Why do I feel compelled to describe the details of last night's dinner with Mauri? How the spaghetti was spelt-based, how the veggies were meant for stir-fry, how Mister Kitty watched the whole thing? Why? It was a nice evening, okay? The walk to Powell's was cold, yes, but I've been freezing for a week now. And Powell's #2 was alright as well, even taking the sleazy pinup calendar selection into account. And there were discussions of relationships, one lengthy, one clipped.

And why do I have to mention that my skin crawls at the thought of 135' of envy green? That it prickles minutely at Idaho? That I've been holding on to ghosts longer than anyone?

Why do I have to recount the details of my day at work? How I got a job lead? How they called me back specially?

Why can't I remember my dreams? Why do others' dreams haunt me? Why can't I drop phrases like blood pressure? Why does it feel like I'm trolling for something big and slow and dark, me a bit of bait at the bottom of the lake?

Why do I feel like this has become a dumping ground for my emotional baggage?

Why do I feel like I'm picking a fight with myself?

Remembering

the legacy was burning bright
she's living in a dream
but she's all right
he thought she was dying of a scream
but she's the screamer
and when she passed him on the end
she smiled and he believed her
--SL

Coil

The mistakes of my past don't crush me tonight, but they inspire resolve.
The blank space of my future doesn't paralyze me tonight, but it makes me mindful.

I've destroyed a lot of things. I've rebuilt a lot of things. And I've half-built some things and let them languish.

I need time:
time to feel
time to think
time to consider
time to decide
time to act.

I'm stretching my muscles. Getting them ready. I don't know yet what I'll do, but when the times comes, I'll be ready.

Because this is all too important to do otherwise.